Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Rule #6 - Ladies: Have Multiple Pets and Treat Them Like Children

There are some things that men can get away with doing and still be attractive that women
can't, and vise versa. We'll call it a certain "Gender Swag" that allows one sex to get away with things the other can't.

On that note, I would like to introduce Rule #6 for the Ladies: Own Multiple Pets and Treat Them Like Children. You may even be able to get away with one if you play up the second part enough! Who doesn't love crazy cat ladies?!? That's right, everyone.

When you first meet someone who could possibly end up storming your castle, make sure you mention your pets (cats are best, but any animal will do really. For this example, we'll just use male cats.) and continue to mention them through out the conversation.

Go through the names of each pet, and pull up pictures on your phone so they see "How adorable he is!".

If you have a male cat, you can jokingly reference how he's the "only man in your life" and you're sure that he's the one you're going to end up with in the future.

You also want to make sure they know that the pet is the boss of the household, and they will eventually have to get the approval of Sir Tiddlywinks if they ever want to get serious.

Dress your pets up in little outfits and take plenty of pictures! Don't let anything go by that doesn't remind you of a time Sir Tiddlywinks did something "SO CUTE!"

Again, your reputation may be on the line here, but that's okay, let them spread the word, then you won't have to worry about getting asked out anyway. It's a win-win situation!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Rule #5 - Online Dating: Self-Sabotaging with Pictures!

Alright, so you've reluctantly created a profile page on an online dating site, just to get your Mom or your totally exclusively dating BFF off your back. Why do they care if you're single anyway? Oh that's right, cuz she wants grandchildren, and you keep third-wheeling their dates....whatever!

Just because you have made a sacrifice to appease these parties, doesn't mean you have to put your best foot forward! You don't need to be bothered with messages in your inbox, or "Winks" or "Smiles" or "Thumbs Ups" or whatever it is your dating site uses to show interest. It's waste of time, and the e-mail alerts can certainly get to be annoying.

To keep your possible suitors (or suitor-esses?) at bay, your photos can do it all! Remember, a picture is worth thousand words. You want yours to say: "I don't want to be on here", "I'm not really serious about this" "Move on to the next profile, please".

Here are some sure-fire profile photo types that will guarantee your continued singledom:

Post Photos of Yourself With Friends That Are Hotter Than You

There's nothing worse than further investigating a profile with a group photo only to find your prospect is the one to the left of the hot guy. This is an immediate turn off. Most people probably don't even bother looking at the rest of the profile. They will click ahead due to the utter disappointment in thinking they had actually found a Will Smith only to realize it was Jesse Eisenberg.

You don't have to look awful or at your worst in these photos, I mean you still have integrity, right? Right? So, just make sure you surround yourself with friends of the same sex (photos with the opposite sex is a whole other tactic) who are arguably better looking than you. This may take a serious reality check for some of you, but if you're serious about staying single, sometimes your ego may have to take a hit.

Post Photos of Yourself With Members of The Opposite Sex

Some of you may think, "Won't they think I'm desirable and then just want me more?", not so much. Seeing you with a member of the opposite sex is an immediate turn off. Especially with no caption explaining the situation, and the closer and more snuggly you are with that person, the better.

Post Photos of Yourself with your Ex's Face Blacked Out

What better way to say "I'm not over my ex" than to post a dating profile picture with them in it?!
If the actual sight of the Ex isn't a deterrent, once they think about how sad it is that you have no good pictures of yourself without them, they won't be able to click out of your profile fast enough!
Make sure the blacking out of the face is sloppy and obviously done out of anger and resentment. If you're bold enough, make this your main profile photo!

Post Photos of Everything But Yourself

If anything raises suspicion about looks, it's posting photos of everything from your dog to a sunset to your footprints but no signs of your actual face.

As awesome and unique as it is that we both LOVE bird-watching and under-water basket-weaving, I'm not really going to take the time to communicate with a guy who, as far as I know, looks like a bulldog.

Post Photos All of You From Far Away or With Sunglasses

Again, it's just enough mystery to be unattractive. No one wants to gamble on whether or not their date is just "Sunglasses Hot". You know, where they look super hot with sunglasses on, but then something goes drastically wrong once the shades come off...

And anyone can look hot standing at the top of a cliff, sun in the background with the camera 100 ft below.

Post A Picture Of Yourself With An Unfavorable Object or Person

It is frightening, nay a turn off to see your potential date posing with Michael Meyers or Freddy Kruger. Or smiling holding a fake bottle of "roofies". Does this guy relate to this character? Does he think drugging his dates is a laugh? It kind of sheds you a psychopathic light.
If you're licensed to own a firearm, that's perfect! Make sure you hold up that shotgun proud! Even people who are okay with guys are weary of people holding them in profile pictures!

True Story: I saw a profile once where the guy was posing with a Chucky doll. Not okay.

I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to destroy your online dating chances with just photos! Maybe some of you have practiced them yourselves! If you have any stories of awful dating profile pictures (you or "a friend"), share them below!!

P.S. If you need true inspiration, check out Awkward Family Photos.