Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Rule #6 - Ladies: Have Multiple Pets and Treat Them Like Children

There are some things that men can get away with doing and still be attractive that women
can't, and vise versa. We'll call it a certain "Gender Swag" that allows one sex to get away with things the other can't.

On that note, I would like to introduce Rule #6 for the Ladies: Own Multiple Pets and Treat Them Like Children. You may even be able to get away with one if you play up the second part enough! Who doesn't love crazy cat ladies?!? That's right, everyone.

When you first meet someone who could possibly end up storming your castle, make sure you mention your pets (cats are best, but any animal will do really. For this example, we'll just use male cats.) and continue to mention them through out the conversation.

Go through the names of each pet, and pull up pictures on your phone so they see "How adorable he is!".

If you have a male cat, you can jokingly reference how he's the "only man in your life" and you're sure that he's the one you're going to end up with in the future.

You also want to make sure they know that the pet is the boss of the household, and they will eventually have to get the approval of Sir Tiddlywinks if they ever want to get serious.

Dress your pets up in little outfits and take plenty of pictures! Don't let anything go by that doesn't remind you of a time Sir Tiddlywinks did something "SO CUTE!"

Again, your reputation may be on the line here, but that's okay, let them spread the word, then you won't have to worry about getting asked out anyway. It's a win-win situation!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Rule #5 - Online Dating: Self-Sabotaging with Pictures!

Alright, so you've reluctantly created a profile page on an online dating site, just to get your Mom or your totally exclusively dating BFF off your back. Why do they care if you're single anyway? Oh that's right, cuz she wants grandchildren, and you keep third-wheeling their dates....whatever!

Just because you have made a sacrifice to appease these parties, doesn't mean you have to put your best foot forward! You don't need to be bothered with messages in your inbox, or "Winks" or "Smiles" or "Thumbs Ups" or whatever it is your dating site uses to show interest. It's waste of time, and the e-mail alerts can certainly get to be annoying.

To keep your possible suitors (or suitor-esses?) at bay, your photos can do it all! Remember, a picture is worth thousand words. You want yours to say: "I don't want to be on here", "I'm not really serious about this" "Move on to the next profile, please".

Here are some sure-fire profile photo types that will guarantee your continued singledom:

Post Photos of Yourself With Friends That Are Hotter Than You

There's nothing worse than further investigating a profile with a group photo only to find your prospect is the one to the left of the hot guy. This is an immediate turn off. Most people probably don't even bother looking at the rest of the profile. They will click ahead due to the utter disappointment in thinking they had actually found a Will Smith only to realize it was Jesse Eisenberg.

You don't have to look awful or at your worst in these photos, I mean you still have integrity, right? Right? So, just make sure you surround yourself with friends of the same sex (photos with the opposite sex is a whole other tactic) who are arguably better looking than you. This may take a serious reality check for some of you, but if you're serious about staying single, sometimes your ego may have to take a hit.

Post Photos of Yourself With Members of The Opposite Sex

Some of you may think, "Won't they think I'm desirable and then just want me more?", not so much. Seeing you with a member of the opposite sex is an immediate turn off. Especially with no caption explaining the situation, and the closer and more snuggly you are with that person, the better.

Post Photos of Yourself with your Ex's Face Blacked Out

What better way to say "I'm not over my ex" than to post a dating profile picture with them in it?!
If the actual sight of the Ex isn't a deterrent, once they think about how sad it is that you have no good pictures of yourself without them, they won't be able to click out of your profile fast enough!
Make sure the blacking out of the face is sloppy and obviously done out of anger and resentment. If you're bold enough, make this your main profile photo!

Post Photos of Everything But Yourself

If anything raises suspicion about looks, it's posting photos of everything from your dog to a sunset to your footprints but no signs of your actual face.

As awesome and unique as it is that we both LOVE bird-watching and under-water basket-weaving, I'm not really going to take the time to communicate with a guy who, as far as I know, looks like a bulldog.

Post Photos All of You From Far Away or With Sunglasses

Again, it's just enough mystery to be unattractive. No one wants to gamble on whether or not their date is just "Sunglasses Hot". You know, where they look super hot with sunglasses on, but then something goes drastically wrong once the shades come off...

And anyone can look hot standing at the top of a cliff, sun in the background with the camera 100 ft below.

Post A Picture Of Yourself With An Unfavorable Object or Person

It is frightening, nay a turn off to see your potential date posing with Michael Meyers or Freddy Kruger. Or smiling holding a fake bottle of "roofies". Does this guy relate to this character? Does he think drugging his dates is a laugh? It kind of sheds you a psychopathic light.
If you're licensed to own a firearm, that's perfect! Make sure you hold up that shotgun proud! Even people who are okay with guys are weary of people holding them in profile pictures!

True Story: I saw a profile once where the guy was posing with a Chucky doll. Not okay.

I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to destroy your online dating chances with just photos! Maybe some of you have practiced them yourselves! If you have any stories of awful dating profile pictures (you or "a friend"), share them below!!

P.S. If you need true inspiration, check out Awkward Family Photos.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Rule #4 - Stay In Your Comfort Zone, Don't Take Risks!

If you're going out and doing new, fun and interesting things, going to new interesting people, how in the world do you expect to stay single?

Going to the same bars, hanging out with the same people, sticking to the same routine is a sure way to stay single! This is why we have come to Rule #4: Stay In Your Comfort Zone, Don't Take Risks!

This is where you're comfortable, it's where you shine (among people who already know you). You should not wander out of these familiar places and enviroments. Predictablility is key!

If you try out a new restaraunt or go hang out in a new city or take up a new hobby, you will be surrounded by new people. This is defintely not the way to stay sinlge. Meeting new people and venturing out opens way too many doors. We want those doors to stay selaed shut!

You have to stay where it's comfortable, stay where it's familiar. As long as you are constantly going to the same places, you will familiarize yourself with the same people and they will no longer hold any weight as potential relationships, as well as you for them.

Nothing is less attractive than a person with no ambition who is entirely predictable! Most people want to date people who will bring excitment and adventure to their lives and start new chapter, not to read the same chapters over and over again.

So stay where you are, keep doing what you're doing, and don't change a thing!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Rule #3 - Stay Closed-Minded and Picky!


"If only..."

"I just wish he/she..."

"I like him/her, except..."

These are all phrases you should hang onto and use as frequently as possible. You know, to supplement those small details that, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't matter in relationships, but you manage to hold on to as a reason not to give someone a chance?

Okay, so rules #1 and 2 could be a little extreme. You still want to interact with people, and go out and have fun. Understandable. In this case we come to Rule #3: Stay Closed-Minded and Picky. This is what you use when you still can't shake the burdensome attractiveness you carry. You go out with friends and BAM! Next thing you know, you're talking to some guy or girl and having a great time! You start to think you'd like to see them again...Well, great, now you're teetering awfully close to the relationship, and this is what we do not want. So here's how we handle it:

It's good to have standards in what you want in a relationship and in a person you want a relationship with. But I'm not talking about legitimate deal-breakers or reasonable standards like, he needs to be a gentleman or she should have goals in life. Those are great, of course, definitely keep those.

But if you want to stay single, you have to really find those golden nuggets of miniscule reasons why that person doesn't work for you. His nose is too big. She is a little too tall. He wears T-shirts.

These are all the type of gems that will definitely keep you on the single track. As long as you stay unwavering in unrealistic and downright petty standards in your choice of who you will date, you will be golden!

You can always find some reason a person isn't right for you. You just have to look for it. Remember it's all about the little things.

In fact, it's best to imagine the person that you believe would be perfect for you (even though you've never really met this person, so you don't really know what they would actually look or be like). We will call this your Unicorn. People looking for Unicorns don't settle for a horse with a cardboard cone stuck to it's forehead, right? So why should you settle for anything less?

Always use your Unicorn to measure up anyone who has penetrated your fortress of solitude. Make sure you continually play up these ideals in your head and out loud. Take a mental checklist with you, especially when you interact with anyone you could even possibly be interested in.

If feelings start to creep up or they seem to be making they're way into your Feelings Town, you can simply hold them up to the list and see that they don't make the cut.

Basic standards like they don't have the right clothes, the right car, the right type of job are all great. You can extend it to, they don't have the right friends, they are from a weird country or state, they don't have enough grandparents, etc.

If you really want to drive it home, go for physical attributes they have no control over. They are too short, too thin, they walk funny, they have the wrong hair color, wrong eye color, they're bald, etc. This way, they can't actually fix the problem or it's a difficult problem to overcome, and they hopefully won't find you to be worth the time to fix it. Voila! You have nothing to worry about!

SO when you start to think you may be getting interested in someone, just hold up your mental checklist, and remember you're waiting for your Unicorn!

You're Welcome.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Rule #2 - Limit Your Personal Hygiene

This is a basic and very easy step to staying single.

Cut out or reduce some of your simple daily habits like brushing your teeth, washing your hair, etc. (Maybe not all of them at once, you do still have to interact with your friends and family.)

Not only are you helping yourself to stay out of the dating pool, but you're also saving yourself a few pennies in restocking these things you normally use every day.

Fellas, try asking a girl out after not bathing for a few days. If you can even get close enough, I gaurantee they will say no.

Ladies, go without washing your hair and see if any guys dare to approach you.

And don't let it be a secret, if it seems like you are peaking someone's interest, brag about how you only wash your hands after going to the bathroom sometimes. Or how you don't have time to brush your teeth because you're so busy. Brushing your hair is so last decade!

True Story: My brother and I were going out with one of his friends, who asked us to pick up a couple of other friends on our way. I was sitting in the back while my brother and his friend sat in the front.

The two guys we were picking up got in the back with me and the smell that followed was absolutely putrid. Thankfully I was by the window!! I rudely faced the window the entire time, begging God to make the stench go away. Hold on....sorry, the memory almost made me pass out. Even when we got out of the car because we had to change the tire, we went across the street and could still get whiffs. It was bad. I can't even pin point what exactly it was.

Needless to say if either of them had asked me out I would have replied with a resounding "Hell no!"

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Rule #1 - Hermitize Yourself

No, "hermitize" is not a real word.

The best way to stay single is to stay in! Don't go out where you can expose yourself to people and possibly meet someone you could be interested in.

If you hole up in your home you have zero chance of being asked out. Unless you order take-out, then you could fall in love with the delivery person, so try to limit that as well.

You're allowed to go to work and the store to get food. But specifically social scenes are a no-no, that's just opening yourself up for too many possibilities. Going out, having fun, and being social are all fast ways to get noticed and seen by the opposite sex.

Make sure you keep your shades drawn, let as little light in as possible, that way when you do go out, you'll be pale enough to not really attract any unwanted attention.

If you are really dedicated to this idea, you may consider buying land in a wooded area and building a one-room log cabin.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Staying Single 101

Welcome to 101 Ways to Stay Single!

Staying single can be difficult for some of you out there. You never seem to be alone, no time to just be yourself. You barely know who you are as a single person. You're so used to being a part of a couple you've forgotten what your whole name sounds like, cuz you're used to your name being a hybrid with your significant other (You know like TomKat or Brangelina?)

Even when you're in a relationship, you've got someone on the back burner just waiting to scoop you up when your heart gets broken or chomping at the bit to be the next person whose heart you kick in the ass.

Maybe it's time for you to be single and stay single for a little while, get to know you!

Or maybe you're on the other end, you are single and plan on staying that way for a while. Maybe you are subconsciously sabotaging yourself, subtly sending out signals that you want to be in a relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for marriage and relationships, but being single (at least for a little while) does have it's perks.

Through my own experiences, stories from friends, movies and reading, I'm gathering all the info you need to guarantee your single status!